Moaning vagina owner
Since the dawn of time, women have needed an excuse to be emotional, hysterical, moody, aggressive and crazy, normally all at the same time. Nowadays this behaviour is deemed acceptable, to the point that it cannot even be mentioned in spoken word or pictorial form. We all know the old joke about what makes a whore moan – hormones.
But it turns out the elusive period can be traced back to, Dawn, at the beginning of time, she was in fact the first woman to coin the phrase, ‘fuck off! It’s not my fault,’. [Citation: Alt fact, 2017].
In the simple act of passing one’s own pissy attitude off as an unavoidable side effect of a biological process that is intrinsic to the survival of our species, women duly discovered the excuse to end all excuses.
Let me clarify, women menstruate, the womb loses its lining after failing to secure any sperm. To put this in male terms, it’s like the opposite of being left blue-balled. This process is biologically similar to having a snotty nose or excess ear wax. It has no other effect on the body1. This can be tested scientifically with the observation of single women and their activities while menstruating. A single woman can go skydiving, play football and even sarcastically stick it to mother nature, all while the rivers run red2. It’s not unusual to see a single menstruating woman partying at a trendy night spot whilst wearing tight white jeans. All these activities can be completed with a positive can do attitude and a smile on their faces.
Let us now consider the non-single female (the ones you don’t see in adverts).
No, the gates of hell haven’t just opened up, that is in fact your loved one declaring she is ‘hormonal’. All your plans for the day/week go out the window, along with the last ounce of your patience, the children run from the house shouting ‘I’m staying at my friends, call me when its safe’. Its then that you remember something so heinous, so foreboding – the Friday big shop! It has to be done, and as a man you are not trusted to do it yourself, after all we only buy food that gets eaten, normally while it’s on offer, instead of the fill the fridge with organic shite in case Wendy comes around midweek after pilates, bollocks. Thoughts of suicide run through your mind before being evicted by the shrill of ‘where’s my fucking shoes?’, ‘Where you left them my love’ the meekly mild reply. ‘If I knew where I left them, they’d be on my fucking feet dickhead!’. The man resorts to humour, ‘Sorry love, do you have feet on your dick or a head on your feet’. This is of course a fatal mistake; the courts are filled with cases where a hormonal woman has been excused from murder due to her husband making a silly joke, and as such deserving to be skewered through the eyeball with a sharpened stiletto3.
The length of the hormonal traits is generally dependant on your plans divided by her plans multiplied by her age. For example; You plan on going out Wednesday to watch the football, she plans on going on a hen do on Friday.
Wednesday/ Friday X 38 = Hormonal behaviour starts Monday and will be finished by Friday morning.
It is with unrefutable mathematics that we can prove ‘hormonal imbalance’ is nothing more than a collective collaboration to allow all vagina owners of the correct age to act according to their whims without repercussions or reprisals.
1. According to all male doctors
2. Always and Tampax documentaries
3. State Vs Single White Female